a long telegram

Where to start? Almost eight years in I have finally cracked open some books on parenting. It hasn't been the most pleasant of reading experiences. Books for parents feel forced, oversimplified, and I keep finding myself thinking, "This guy pretends he knows what he is talking about, but he actually beats his kids when nobody's looking."

Both of the books I have skimmed, leafed through dealt with what is termed as active listening, reflecting back what is told to you while coaxing the child to find his or her own solution to a problem. This is the core of Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training and Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's Siblings Without Rivalry.

At first glance, it seems a little ridiculous. Marta says, "Anna took my doll." And you are supposed to say, "Anna took your doll, huh?" And then Marta says, "Yes, she did." And then you say, "You must be pretty frustrated that she took your doll." And Marta answers, "Yes, I am." And that's about as far as I have gotten with this active listening stuff. I have noticed that it reduces tensions in certain situations. By getting Marta to talk about her feelings, she does calm down a little. But I still have no solution to the main issue, that Anna took her doll.

Another gem is to pay attention to the child being hit in a dispute. If Marta hits Anna, I pay attention to Anna. "Did Marta hit you?" And vice versa. I can already see that the "hitter" dislikes the attention that the "hittee" gets in the situation. Still not sure where this is going.

There's a lot of discord around here. Marta and Anna fight like crazy. They just fight to fight. Other times they play nice. Maria Leena has some idea of what is going on, but she's mostly concerned with being fed and having her diaper changed and sleeping.

With Maria I have had my first experience with what some call "name remorse." Except it is not that I am not happy with her name or could think of a better one, it's just that I find it hard to say it sometimes. I call her "Anna" by accident. I wonder, should we have given her another one? Well, too late now. I think the problem is that Maria Leena is rather pretty and ladylike, and not always befitting of a small round child that lets out enormous farts and whose hair sticks up in the middle like some kind of Cirque du Soleil clown.

So I was playing around with nicknames and came up with Mämmu, which is a child's word here that means something like "yummy." Mämmu seems to do the trick, and I no longer call Maria "Anna" by accident. I don't call her this all the time, only sometimes, but I like it.

Oh, I am tired now. It is past 1 am. Being a father is tiring because all the little ones want you to meet their needs. Get me this, fix this, pay attention to this ... I'm in demand. That's always good.

I am excited about Christmas this year. We're not doing the flight to New York and our home is very cozy (last year we were in a different apartment that was less cozy). I want to get a nice tree and decorate it. The girls have already been making gingerbread cookies almost every night. I feel like I haven't done Christmas "right" the few times that we have been able to do it on our own. But, I am getting older, maturing, and I know I can get it right this time.

We went to see the Nutcracker yesterday and we loved it. Other than a few sporadic arguments between Marta and Anna all went well. They paid attention to the whole thing. I fell asleep during the first part but was awake for the second (which, in my opinion, was the best part). I kept thinking of how Tchaikovsky wrote all of that music, what a gifted person he was, how he was from Russia, how that world, the tsarist era, is so completely lost. It's a shame.

three sisters

Three sisters. There is something deeply symbolic about the idea, though I'm not sure what it symbolizes. Fertility? Matriarchy? Sisters doing it for themselves?

In Tallinn's Old Town there are three buildings build alongside each other called The Three Sisters. They now house a luxury hotel. I wonder if it would do as well, if it was called The Three Brothers. Or, even worse, My Three Sons. (This is a joke only my father will get).

When Anna was born, our model family was the Kusakabe family from the Hideo Miyazaki film My Friend Totoro, with Marta cast as Satsuki, the big, adventurous sister, and Anna cast as Mei, the curious and unintentionally funny little sister. But now we have to find new models. I worried about this until Anna pointed out that they could all be mermaids from H20, with each of them fighting for who gets to me Emma, Cleo, and Rikki. So she has an imagination. Which is good.

One thing I have been studying up on is sibling rivalry. I've heard a lot about "middle child" syndrome, but Anna seems to be more jealous of Marta than little Maria Leena. When I was in New York visiting my parents, we found a stack of old photo albums, most of which featured a baby Marta. "But where are the photos of me?" she asked. She was so disappointed that there was no photo of her. I have noticed all the girls beam when I tell them they are special, or show them a book they liked when they were little. It really gives them something, it makes them feel good.

What can I tell you about each of my three daughters? My relationship with Marta is much better than it used to be. She has become more independent in the past year, and I think her trip to stay with my parents this past summer encouraged that independence. Marta and I used to have more conflicts because Marta is very assertive and not afraid, and also likes to show others how confident she is, sometimes by blatantly disobeying me in front of her friends. Now, she is more inclined to listen to me. And I am more inclined to trust her. We also have more to talk about.

I read an article recently about favoritism. Do we really secretly favor one child over others? I thought about this and it bothered me, because my relationship with Marta has been more strained in the past than with Anna. But I came to the conclusion that I don't believe this, at least in my case. I just think our relationships are different. I will connect with Marta in ways that I don't connect with Anna and vice versa.

Marta has been going to music school and it seems that she hasn't given up. I really think she has talent in this regard. This is not to say that she should be a professional musician, but a path has revealed itself for her to follow for as long as it makes sense.

Anna came with me to New York. It was our first trip together. Anna has always been more sensitive to change than Marta. She was very upset when we moved from Tartu to Viljandi, and when we sold the red car and got the gray car, and when she got a new bed. So I was worried that it might be too much for her, but she managed it mostly well. It was so good to show her more of the world, to show her the beaches where I grew up and eat different kinds of foods. Even the movies she watched were mostly good. She watched a film called Winky's Horse several times. One day she came up to me talking about "Blackfoot Indians." I had no idea where a four year old had learned about the Blackfoot Indians (they live in Alberta and Montana, in case you are interested). But then, after watching Winky's Horse, I saw that they were mentioned in the film! So she learned how to say something from watching that movie ... Educational!

We also read the Madeline series of books. For some reason, it made me want to go to France. Maybe it was also the trip to Montreal. I promised Anna that we will go to France one day together. She had so many questions about little Madeline. She also wanted to know what an "appendix" was. In the first book, Madeline has an appendectomy.

At the same time I did leave her alone for days at a time while I was traveling, and Anna was not easy to deal with sometimes. She gets frustrated very easily and will kick and throw tantrums ... she has little patience. At the same time, I feel that she really needs me. She loves to snuggle and read stories. One good thing, her English improved dramatically. She is now speaking to me in English all the time. It's clunky and she doesn't know some words and she has awkward constructions and a bit of an accent ("drink" is "trink" with a rolled "r"), but she is functioning in English. That's really important to me. It put too much pressure on me as a foreigner to have my own kid speaking Estonian to me and trying to figure out what she was saying. Anna went back to preschool and has done really well. It is good for her to be back in a comfortable environment.

Finally, Maria Leena. It took no time at all to bond with this little baby. She is a joy. She sleeps well and only cries when she is hungry or has gas or needs a diaper change. Very understandable. She is very curious, and can stare at objects for long periods of time with interest. She likes to lie on my chest and look at my face. She even smiles. Maria Leena has a funny piece of hair on top that sticks straight up. She has interesting eyes, a little slanty, blue or gray or green -- can't tell. She is pretty small, but she is sturdy, and those little skinny frogs legs have gotten fatter in the weeks since she was born. I am not sure if we are born with personalities. But Maria Leena really seems to be a peaceful, agreeable baby. I sing fun songs to her. Domenico Modugno "Piove," M's "Pop Muzik," any funny thing ... I also make up songs. It's fun to be a dad.

the feminine mystique

I am a feminist. Or at least I think I am. This may sound odd as I am a man, but I believe, to some extent, in the fundamental elements of the feminist movement as articulated in the past half century, that is, that men and women are essentially equal, and deserve equal rights. But I also believe that with equal rights comes equal responsibilities. And here is where I get myself into trouble.

I'm fine with the end of the traditional division of labor. I cook, I change diapers, I do the laundry (infrequently), I clean, I take my kids to the playground, I give them baths. Short of providing actual breast milk, I am capable of providing them with most things a mother can (other than common sense and reminding them to bring a necessary item on a certain day of school and teaching them social skills).

So I can do some of the "woman" jobs. But I also get stuck doing a lot of the "man" jobs. Heavy lifting, furniture assembly, telecommunications troubleshooting -- these are also my domains. They are not always my partner's. My wife is the founder of a successful publishing company, a bestselling author, she handles most of our finances, and is basically a multitasking tour de force. Yet if some bookshelves need to be assembled or a computer won't connect to the Internet, I'm the one who's called upon to fix it.

In Estonia, this is completely natural. Most Estonian guys love their role as the go-to handymen who can tackle any challenge. I'd love to see the Estonian guy who one day drops his hammer and says, "Tell you what, honey, you've got a brain and two arms and you're only a few inches shorter than me -- Why don't you build me a house?!" That's frontpage tabloid material right there. Traditional values are quaint, but they also annoy me because I want to raise self-reliant daughters, girls who aren't afraid of lifting things or learning the intricacies of wireless Internet.

My problem here is that I don't know how to do that. I think that if I went the old school route and gave the kids books like Our Bodies, Ourselves -- which many of my female friends got as children twenty-odd years ago -- it would only confuse them. So, I am at a loss. I want my girls to know that they can basically do anything that I can, and yet they live in a world of Disney princesses who are always getting rescued by some handsome prince, a world where Daddy fixes most things. I want them to know how to use a screwdriver. In fact, maybe I should start teaching them to do my jobs. Then I really can drop my hammer.

little lambs

Anna found a photo album that was given to her by her great Aunt Mary, my mother's sister.

"Do you know who gave you that album?" we asked from Anna.

"Who?"

"Aunt Mary."

"Mary?" she seemed surprised. "You mean the one with little lambs?"

what is really important

My idea is to turn this into more of a blog about parenting than just one focused on my kids. I don't think it is a waste of time to write about such things. Instead, I think it will keep me focused on what is really important.

I read two interesting articles recently. The first, "The Divorce Generation," appeared in The Wall Street Journal this month, and captures the rather conservative streak in today's parents.

"For much of my generation—Generation X, born between 1965 and 1980—there is only one question: "When did your parents get divorced?" Our lives have been framed by the answer. Ask us. We remember everything," writes author Susan Gregory Thomas. Thomas is also the author of Buy, Baby, Buy, which can be found on our book shelf.

She goes on to note that, "Divorce rates, which peaked around 1980, are now at their lowest level since 1970. In fact, the often-cited statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce was true only in the 1970s—in other words, our parents' marriages."

I remember once in college when I mentioned my parents were married, it was met with some shock. "You mean your parents are still together?" A sizable chunk of my friends' parents didn't stay together. Was it really 50 percent? Maybe. But growing up, divorce seemed extremely common. Kids like me were bombarded with After School Specials about divorce, and I came to think it quite natural that one day my mother and father would too part. But which one to choose? I awaited my moment on the stand. I imagined my father would be more lax when it came to discipline, but that he might also forget to feed me. So, I was pretty sure I'd pick Mom, bossiness aside.

Fortunately, it didn't happen that way. But you can see how the national trend effected my outlook. The result of this? A stodgy, conservative, overprotective group of parents.

Which leads us to the second article, Is Sex Passe? written by none other than Erica Jong, whose books can also be found on our bookshelves. It appeared in The New York Times this month. Jong is basically criticizing her daughter for leading a boring, monogamous life.

"People always ask me what happened to sex since Fear of Flying," writes Jong. "While editing an anthology of women’s sexual writing called “Sugar in My Bowl” last year, I was fascinated to see, among younger women, a nostalgia for ’50s-era attitudes toward sexuality," she writes. "The older writers in my anthology are raunchier than the younger writers. The younger writers are obsessed with motherhood and monogamy."

Some more angry words from the 69-year-old feminist: "Better to soul cycle and write cookbooks. Better to give up men and sleep with one’s children. Better to wear one’s baby in a man-distancing sling and breast-feed at all hours so your mate knows your breasts don’t belong to him. Our current orgy of multiple maternity does indeed leave little room for sexuality. With children in your bed, is there any space for sexual passion?"

Most of this is a dialogue with her only daughter, Molly Jong-Fast, age 32. You can read her take on things here.

"I am my mother’s worst bourgeois nightmare. I live on the Upper East Side. I have three children -- all by the same man!" she writes. "I am a low-rent yuppie, shuttling my children back and forth to the various and sundry activities and involving myself in the Parents’ Association. I am the person my grandmother and mother would have watched in silent scorn."

Her article, "Being a prude in a family of libertines," appeared in Salon in May. Her narrative: of a person who was jaded at a young age and largely found the indulgences of her parents generation -- sex, drugs -- unsatisfying or even life threatening -- resonates with me. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

waiting for ?

A new bundle is schedule to arrive in September. The official due date is somewhere between September 10 and September 14. I actually can't remember anymore. Marta's due date was January 9 and she arrived on December 30. Anna's was July 27, and she she arrived on July 20. What good are due dates?

I'm thinking August 30 for number three, a nice round number. Epp's guess is August 20. Then we would have a nice vain Leo baby as opposed to a orderly Virgo. Oh well, astrology. There it is.

The baby's unofficial name is "Maria Leena Baby." That's Leena pronounced like Lena or Layna or however you want to say it. We've toyed with others, but that's how the girls refer to "it." If an item of clothing is too small, Anna will say, "This is for Maria Leena Baby." It's a pretty stubborn name, and may in fact be the one. If the child is female.

It probably is. Think of how many families have three boys or three daughters. We're probably one of those three daughter families, though I'm starting to feel like the father in Pride and Prejudice. Plus we have all the clothes.

independence day

Found some photos from the Independence Day celebration here on February 24. Here are Marta and her classmates. Her friend Miia is playing the violin. Marta recites a poem:

Anna's preschool sang a song too. Anna is third from right. Her friend Mimi is on the left in the light blue dress.

Anna had fun, but I wasn't there. Epp took these photos.