I am a feminist. Or at least I think I am. This may sound odd as I am a man, but I believe, to some extent, in the fundamental elements of the feminist movement as articulated in the past half century, that is, that men and women are essentially equal, and deserve equal rights. But I also believe that with equal rights comes equal responsibilities. And here is where I get myself into trouble.I'm fine with the end of the traditional division of labor. I cook, I change diapers, I do the laundry (infrequently), I clean, I take my kids to the playground, I give them baths. Short of providing actual breast milk, I am capable of providing them with most things a mother can (other than common sense and reminding them to bring a necessary item on a certain day of school and teaching them social skills).
So I can do some of the "woman" jobs. But I also get stuck doing a lot of the "man" jobs. Heavy lifting, furniture assembly, telecommunications troubleshooting -- these are also my domains. They are not always my partner's. My wife is the founder of a successful publishing company, a bestselling author, she handles most of our finances, and is basically a multitasking tour de force. Yet if some bookshelves need to be assembled or a computer won't connect to the Internet, I'm the one who's called upon to fix it.
In Estonia, this is completely natural. Most Estonian guys love their role as the go-to handymen who can tackle any challenge. I'd love to see the Estonian guy who one day drops his hammer and says, "Tell you what, honey, you've got a brain and two arms and you're only a few inches shorter than me -- Why don't you build me a house?!" That's frontpage tabloid material right there. Traditional values are quaint, but they also annoy me because I want to raise self-reliant daughters, girls who aren't afraid of lifting things or learning the intricacies of wireless Internet.
My problem here is that I don't know how to do that. I think that if I went the old school route and gave the kids books like Our Bodies, Ourselves -- which many of my female friends got as children twenty-odd years ago -- it would only confuse them. So, I am at a loss. I want my girls to know that they can basically do anything that I can, and yet they live in a world of Disney princesses who are always getting rescued by some handsome prince, a world where Daddy fixes most things. I want them to know how to use a screwdriver. In fact, maybe I should start teaching them to do my jobs. Then I really can drop my hammer.
3 comments:
I know exactly what you mean. I think my husband doesn't know that there are (at least) two different kinds of screwdrivers. When we buy something from IKEA, it's always a challenge for him to put it together...it takes him double time but he's gonna make it, sooner or later. (the first toolbox I BOUGHT to our house after 1 year of living together...)
After I birth, I stayed in the hospital for a day and he was supposed to fix the crib for our newborn child... And let's just say that he "lost" some screws and the cot is constantly falling apart. Can I trust him with "men" work - hmmm, I think I prefer to do it myself. Don't know if it's an Estonian thing or living in the country-side..but when we were children (me and my brother) we had to do all kinds of works (yeah, those hard country-side works). There were no "male or female" works in our household. My father is capable of cooking, cleaning and washing, and he does those things, but not on daily basis. Sometimes he used to say : "...but that's women's work!"
But what I actually wanted to say was - you should "teach" your children so-called male work. Let them see, how it's done - act, if you need to - they believe you are a superDad anyway! (later, when they grow up, they might realize that their parents weren't "super" anything, just normal people, but until then....you can be the man :D ).
My beliefs are a bit twisted because I agree with feminists but at the same time I believe that a man should be the head of the family. (although my father wasn't and clearly my lazy Italian husband isn't) :D
This work-topic is very interesting, I just blogged about it myself some days ago - mostly photos from our Estonian "vacation". I say "vacation" because, in the South-Estonia, vacation doesn't mean traveling and doing literally nothing for weeks. Now that I think of it, I believe that my dad would go crazy if he'd had to sit and do nothing...meanwhile my husband goes crazy if he even sees some work during the le ferie
So, mystique it is :)
Perhaps you think this way because you have a mother that built rock walls, stripped and renovated (repurposed)furniture. Painted walls,stripped wallpaper, spackled & taped an entire house.
... and made sure you had a great dinner too!
You just didn't hang around long enough to learn how to do all theser things from me or your dad.
By all means, do show your daughters how to do these things and get them interested in that. In the same way you'd get them started on washing the dishes, tidying up their rooms, etc.
Housework is work, non gender marked. There is no reason why both partners can't learn how to do everything -- other than habits. If you can get out of your comfort zone to do the 'motherly' work, so can your wife (and daughters) with respect to the 'fatherly' work. It's all a question of being shown how to do it, and of learning to think by themselves.
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