mixed language

Maria has started speaking. She says the words "emme," "adn," and "saia." "Emme" is, of course, "Mommy." "Adn" is "Justin." This was Anna's first word (and only word for a long time). "Saia" is bread in Estonian. Today, Maria was toddling around with a dry piece of cake in her hand saying "saia,saia." Very cute.

A year ago, Anna and I returned from the US. It was a good trip because Anna switched to speaking English with me. I am hoping she makes another jump when we are there in January. She still uses some Estonian expressions in English, to sometimes comic effect. In Finland, she told me, "Look, Issi, I am such a tubli laps, I ate all my ice cream." "Tubli laps" is hard to translate. It means something like "good child," but not exactly. Still, I understood her completely. Only we can speak this special mixed language.

Anna is also reading everything, signs, t-shirts, books, magazines, labels, license plates ... she just loves to read stuff. Marta has been reading her books, both in English and Estonian. Marta's spoken English is pretty good. One word she mixes up is "locks." In Estonian, "lokid" is "curls," and "locks" is an English word for hair, (Goldilocks, anyone?) but it sounds odd or archaic. Marta will say, "Look at my locks" and touch her hair. Technically, it's correct, but ...

greetings from helsinki

A local juice drink for children.

shapes of things

Anna has an interesting ability to "see" things that others miss. She connects ideas and images through the wiring of her brain. For example, we passed a puddle yesterday and she pointed out that the puddle was in the shape of a dog, and that it had a rock as an eye. It just so happened that the puddle did look like a dog, but I think 99 percent of people, young and old, wouldn't have noticed it. Another time -- brace yourself -- she called me in to the toilet to tell me that her poop resembled an elf's hat. It did look like an elf's hat, though it was brown, not red. But, that's the thing, this was a pretty abstract idea, an elf's hat, and there she was, sitting in the potty, happened to look down, and connect the shape in the toilet with this abstract idea. And she was so excited about it, that she just had to tell me.

marta raamat

A book shop in Pärnu

gwu

I was looking through the magazine associated with my alma mater, GW. It came in a box sent by my generous mother. It was interesting to flip through it, though I had a slight panic attack. "All of these people are doing important things! What am I doing?"

Well, I have written some bestselling books (albeit for a regional market), and worked as a biotech editor for seven years for arguably the best company in the industry, have been married for nearly a decade, have three daughters, been all over the world. So, I guess I have been doing something. But I wish that I had figured out earlier on that, say, I wanted to write books. I knew that Hunter S. Thompson was my hero, but I didn't have the nerve to tell my old school J school professors that my hero was "Gonzo." I should have been braver, I should have stuck with my gut instead of trying to pretend to be something I wasn't. There were the resources at that school to support my creative ambitions, I just wasn't looking for them.

It's a hell of an overwhelming development to be sent away when you are 18 to a "good school" that is very expensive and told to figure it all out and succeed. It was only toward the end of that experience that I had that "fuck it, I'm doing it my way" impulse, which is the correct impulse, and my grades started to go up, or at least my relationships with teachers improved, I had some sense of what was going on, what I wanted to do, felt urgency in my life.

My goal with my own children now is to encourage them to be themselves, pursue their instincts, not lead them away from themselves or try to convince them to be people who they are not. That's the only real way forward. I learned the hard way. They shouldn't have to.

bunny update 2

So Jänks went today along with "Mustu," apparently the name given to the darker of the two remaining black bunnies. "Hallu" -- the grayer one -- stayed behind and is now living with Mustik, who now has a friend in his bachelor pad -- a little son or daughter. That means we have two bunnies left. I was sad to see Jänks go, but the girls barely seemed to notice. And to think, I didn't even want bunnies to begin with. I think it was the baby bunnies that got to me. The miracle of life.

bunny update

We got rid of three baby bunnies yesterday - Alpha, Beta, and Omega, I think. Alpha and Beta were the white, speckled ones, for some reason in greater demand than the black ones. Omega was the black one with the mega-sized head. Now it's just Jänks (Bunny) and the two normal sized black ones, one of which is named Pi, the other one has no name, maybe Mu ... Anyway, I can't tell them apart. It was sad to see the bunnies go. I can't tell if Jänks registered any emotion, ever since the impregnation and pregnancy she has seemed kind of neurotic. Mustik (Blacky) meanwhile has completely lost his mojo since he was snipped. He just lays around all day in his bachelor pad doing nothing. I know that we humans think we are doing the right thing by neutering our animals, but Mustik really seems like he's lost his purpose in life. All that's left are carrots and lettuce ... 

bottle picker

"I'm not homeless, I'm just a baby."

We have three cans we use for recyclables, empty milk cartons, plastic containers, etc. Maria thinks it's her job to take them out of the cans and spread them around the house.

is fear bad?

I was thinking about this today and yesterday because my daughters, especially my eldest one, seem fearless. In fact, she thinks it is funny that I am paranoid and afraid of things, like sharks, snakes, aliens (seeing Jaws, Indiana Jones, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind before age 5 will do things like that to you). But at the same time, fear has saved my butt a lot of times.

Here I am reminded of some of my friends who never backed down from fights, or even provoked them. I have seen tiny Irish bouncers in bars throw big African dudes up against the walls. But the sad thing is, a lot of those little tough guys wind up dead eventually.

I remember one time we were shaken down in DC, a whole line of us, by two very pissed off hoods who were just daring us to look them in the eye. "You want to start something, you want to start something?" I wouldn't have been surprised if those guys were armed -- and I knew some guys who did come home from rougher neighborhoods with black eyes after being jumped. You have to wonder, if I had been one of those tough guys who pushed my luck, would I still be here today?

We are taught that cowardice is bad, and that it's best to be brave. But sometimes knowing one's limits and the instinct to preserve one's safety is also meritable. I think of these things because it seems like one of these big "values" topics that parents grapple with. We are taught certain things as children by big people, but are those certain things really true? Maybe it is good to be afraid sometimes.

our top songs

The number one songs on the days we were born. This is actually kind of fun.

Epp (July 20, 1974) -- "Rock Your Baby" by George Mccrae

Me (Nov. 20, 1979) -- "Still" by The Commodores

Marta (Dec. 30, 2003) -- "Hey Ya!" by Outkast

Anna (July 20, 2007) -- "Umbrella" by Rihanna featuring Jay-Z

Maria (Sept. 15, 2011) -- "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera

the busy life

"Daddy, please don't write anymore columns, just play with us." This is what Anna has said to me at least two times recently. Yesterday was a pretty good day for playing. Marta and I did a puzzle and drew some pictures together. Anna and I went to the Nukuteater (puppet theater) and I tried to teach her chess, but she kept making up her own moves.

But look at Marta's short life. Dec. 2003 - Marta is born; Mar. 2004 - Feb. 2005, Justin is expected to write seven articles a week for newspaper company; Feb. 2005 to present, Justin is expected to write three articles a week for online media company, but these articles are much harder to write; Spring 2007 and Spring 2008, Justin transcribes the entire three-day Lennart Meri conferences in Tallinn; Autumn 2007 to Autumn 2009, Justin attends University of Tartu, degree not completed; 2009, Justin authors 350-page My Estonia 1; 2010, Justin authors 350-page My Estonia 2; 2011-2012, Justin authors 200-something-page Montreal Demons; since 2005, Justin has authored 764 Itching for Eestimaa blogposts; since 2010, Justin has authored 36 Anne ja Stiil columns.

Forgot to factor in many moves and renovations, and somewhere in this time, Marta's childhood has been occurring. I've written about some of it here, but not enough, or maybe too much. But I think Anna is right. It's time to slow down the busy life and spend a lot more time playing.