always running

Ugh. What a few days I have had. Sometimes you think that being a father is tough work. I guess it is; but merely being a human can be tough as well.

Why tough? I feel my brain moves too slow. Or, rather, slower than those around me. One huge question has been whether or not Marta will stay here in New York with my folks for the next two months while we go back to Estonia with Anna and then return for Ian's wedding.

This was not my original idea but it was sort of sold to me as a nice way for Marta to get to know her grandparents and to attend kindergarten where they would teach her things that I can't. So I agreed. It made sense on paper.

Now, two days before we leave, I don't feel good about it, but I am not sure if dragging her back across the ocean is the solution. It's not just this that makes me unhappy with my choices though; I have to come back in September for Ian's wedding, then I have to go on a work-related trip in late October. By the time we get back to our home in Estonia after that trip it will be early November. I wish I could line all of these events and circumstances up and get them done but I can't -- everything is so messy and there are no good solutions.

In this situation, I hate the responsibility of making decisions. Wouldn't everything be easier if someone else made them for me? Because I know that if I make a mistake, it will be my own fault, and if I miss Marta during these two months, I will only be able to blame my decisions or lack of decision making skills. It has come to the point that I feel there is no right decision. There are only two mistakes to make, and I must make one of them. There will be no good feeling at the end.

Over the past month I have been from Helsinki to Vancouver to San Francisco and back to New York. Between now and the time I see Marta again I will have perhaps been to Sweden and Italy. I am feeling exhausted and yet in front of me are whole new challenges I must face down. In my job, nearly every sentence I write must stand up to criticism. There are so many details. And in the mix of that, two months of my daughter's life has just become another detail.

People criticize me because I waste my time doing other things, like blogging. But blogging is a wonderful waste of time because there are few if any consequences. Nothing happens. Isn't that wonderful? In my reality though, I am just disappointed in myself that I have not been able to take on all these questions and come up with answers that suit not only my needs but everyone else's. If that is even possible. It's probably not.